A blog post I read last week has gotten me to thinking lately a lot about the structure of my life. I started this blog in hopes of it holding me accountable in my study of God’s Word. That has not happened well. I used to be a very structured, organized person. But I am also somewhat a person of extremes and if I can’t do something well, I tend to not do it. After getting married my life no longer was entirely my own to structure, and I started to struggle with disciplines that used to never be an issue for me… being in the Word being one of them. Then I got pregnant, then had my first child, then got pregnant again, and then had our second child. Now my life is rarely my own, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s the place and role to which God has called me in this season of my life, that of wife and mother. However in my search to allow my husband to lead, and to serve him day in and day out, to care for my kids, etc. I very easily neglect disciplining myself. Two of the key areas that have gone by the wayside are my time in the Word and in prayer, and time for exercise.
Also during this time my understanding of Scripture has changed. I trust in and rely on God more than ever. I really trust his sovereignty. Granted, I don’t know that I’ve been tested very deeply yet, but overall, I really trust Him to provide and it takes a lot to get me to worrying. I praise God for His work in my life in this area as it has not always been the case and it’s all of Him that I’ve grown in this way.
By no means have I ‘arrived’ in my faith, but some basic concepts have become habit for me, such that I don’t always feel the pressing need that I used to to build my faith. This is all probably sounding very proud, but I think I found in my understanding less of a dependence on pouring out my heart to God the way that I used to when every little trial seemed so huge. I just trust Him now and tell Him so. (Certainly not all the time! I still sin in my lack of faith!) But I still felt like that I should be ‘learning’ something every day in my ‘devotions.’ And I wasn’t….. not in the basic reading that I had time for in this season of my life.
Then I read this blog post by Tim Challies and understood something that I hadn’t in a long time. My time in the Word every day isn’t to learn something new. Granted I might and those times will be fun and exciting as I understand a piece of my savior that I hadn’t before. But more than anything, it’s just to spend some time. The way that I love to spend time with my husband. Even if we’re doing nothing. Just to sit on the couch with his arm around me while we both read a book is time well spent and meaningful in our relationship. In the same way I want to curl up with my savior each day and just sit and be.
Now that I’ve established that I’ve been working on a good time. At work has been working for me lately. But I do want to rebuild my early morning habit. I want my kids to someday wake up early and just find me ‘being’ with God in His Word and praying for them and others. For now though, this routine is working well and I’m thankful for this new understanding. Thanks Challies for sharing this very important insight with me. It has changed my relationship with my Savior.